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Showing posts from February, 2021

Round 11

Same girl but not the same girl. Before cancer diagnosis/ nearing the end of treatment. Cancer has changed me. But something that hasn’t changed.... no matter how angry I got with God, no matter how many questions I had and how deep my doubt ran... God never left me. I felt like it for awhile. But it wasn’t true. Feelings don’t always tell the truth. Another thing that hasn’t changed.... I will spend the rest of my days here on earth sharing about the goodness of God even in the hardest moments of life, that God loves you infinitely more than you can ever know and that you don’t have to get “your act together” first. You are loved just as you are. And there is no better life than a life loving and being loved by God. Peace out Radiation Oncology. After a great appointment today with no concerning things goin on down there! I am now on a “see as needed” schedule with *this* DR. Bonus: seeing Kristin who literally got me through some of the hardest days early on.  Thank you bags of poiso

Round 10

For those of you who don’t know.... 10 rounds is a lot of chemo.  Two more left. I approach it with both anticipation and anxiety. Trying to learn to take it day by day.  Recurrence is a real thing. Scanxiety is a real thing. Learning to live as a survivor is another hurdle to climb.... not make any easier by my Enneagram 6 personality. Things I’m doing to prepare myself: Setting up counseling again  Getting a tattoo to mark this journey Writing Light exercise  Lectio Divina and Quiet Time Reaching out to others survivors  Not googling worst case scenarios  Planning a celebration dinner with my family Going to Disneyland as soon as it’s available  Giving myself time and space to recover and not pushing myself  Continue taking  meds for anxiety

What does being faithful in the little things mean? What about the big things?

I am married to one of the most encouraging people I have ever met. Tonight after being disconnected from my chemo (hallelujah) I got emotional (nothing new around here...I already was emotional but cancer takes it up a notch)  I’d been diving into learning about World Cancer Day, connecting with new survivors online that weren’t freaking me out but encouraging me, looking for local Colon Cancer Awareness 5k fundraisers etc. Starting to prepare for “life after treatment” which if you can believe it is even more scary to me than being in treatment an Enneagram 6.  Trevor said something about how the idea that if you’re faithful in the little things, God will trust us with the bigger things. We usually take that to mean, good big dreams we have or being patient for that breakthrough and trusting the process.  But for me... it’s looked different.  I had a miscarriage and it shook my core. But before long I was messaging with other women who’d walked through the same thing but had n