All The Wild Things

In our denomination, there is an interview each year to renew your diatrict license. This happens every year until you’ve been ordained. The purpose is to check in with you, see how you are coming along in your ministry life, personal life and education life as well. It’s also a time of encouragement and guidance. I am so thankful that our denomination takes this process seriously and helps to affirm and make sure new pastors are as equipped as possible for life in ministry.  This past week was my 3rd year interview. I had hoped this year would be a year where I was able to take a lot of classes but.... then cancer happened. This process is taking longer than I hoped haha, but I do believe there is something to be said for not rushing through and I am learning a lot outside of the school setting as well.  The interview was great. The affirmation of my call to ministry and their belief in me as a leader truly is humbling and encouraging.  I left the interview in tears. Happy tears. Than

Whew. We made it. It honestly felt like it had been a month since my last infusion. These last treatments are D R A G G I N G.  My platelets were *just* high enough to have treatment today. I’m hoping they hold steady for the last three so there aren’t anymore delays... but if it happens it happens. I had a moment of “how is this my life?” today while I was hooked up. It is still surreal.  I am hearing a lot about life after treatment and how hard it is, or can be. I’ve already begun to have anxiety around it. I mean right now I’m getting labs every other week and chemo. So I know someone is monitoring everything. After I’m done I will get a colonoscopy and then I will wait six months before my first scan. Which will bring “scaniety” with it. It’s just a lot to think about. I’m planning on resuming therapy and hopefully getting my husband and boys into some counseling to help process the trauma our family has been through. Usually there are groups our boys could participate in, but wit

I remember coming home after my diagnosis and falling apart. I remember telling Trevor very specifically that I could not and would not be able to endure radiation and oral chemotherapy and then 6 months of chemotherapy infusions. I literally could not do it. I would not be able to endure it. I’d watched my Mom and others and there was no way I could do what they did. 100% no way.  I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. For days and days. On one hand I was afraid of dying and leaving my boys motherless before they were even teenagers and on the other hand I was afraid of living through what the next months  were going to hold. I felt utterly hopeless.  The weeks between my diagnosis and meeting with my oncologist were brutal. Filled with unwise Google searches, crippling anxiety, massive trauma from my surgery, waking up every single morning with an indescribable panic attack, unable to leave my bed, feeling utterly abandoned by God and ultimately alone because of Covid quarantine. Every

Yesterday my numbers looked great and so hallelujah chemo was a go for today! My Doctor said these last rounds will be the hardest and it will be a slow drag or “slog” as he called it, to the finish line. I figured this was the case but hearing it from him really validated how I felt after round 7 and knowing what’s to come.  I really like my Hematlogy Oncologist and I loved my Radiation Oncologist. I feel extremely blessed to be in their care. Which is a good thing since I will see them regularly for the next 5 years HA! After I get this pumped removed and a liter of hydration on Thursday I can say 4 MORE TO GO! The hope is for March 2nd to be my last chemo but that will depend on my blood counts (mostly my platelets as I’m now getting the bone marrow shot that produces extra WBC‘a every time).  As I lie here in bed I am thinking about the man to my left today who was finishing his last treatment. He rang the infamous bell. It was the first time I heard it and I got chills. Soon I get

I’m not trying to be the bad guy, but  2021 isn’t going to magically change our current situation.  We can say we are done with 2020, but we need to prepare our hearts and minds to continue on steadfastly in the journey we are all on. If we aren’t careful our last ends will fray away, weary as we are. In 2021 we will still be in a global pandemic, we will still be wrestling with systemic racism and the complacency of our country within that reality. In 2021 Christian nationalism will continue to infiltrate the church, and the gaps between socioeconomic groups will widen and I will still be fighting cancer.  So, the question is, what am I going to do to prepare my heart, my soul, and my body to continue to align myself with Jesus? What rhythms will I put in place to be able to walk in the tension on this earth? The hope I have and the reality of what is - is often uncomfortable, but I believe growth can happen there. What habits can I form that will continue to form me to God’s likeness