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Showing posts from 2021

Round 11

Same girl but not the same girl. Before cancer diagnosis/ nearing the end of treatment. Cancer has changed me. But something that hasn’t changed.... no matter how angry I got with God, no matter how many questions I had and how deep my doubt ran... God never left me. I felt like it for awhile. But it wasn’t true. Feelings don’t always tell the truth. Another thing that hasn’t changed.... I will spend the rest of my days here on earth sharing about the goodness of God even in the hardest moments of life, that God loves you infinitely more than you can ever know and that you don’t have to get “your act together” first. You are loved just as you are. And there is no better life than a life loving and being loved by God. Peace out Radiation Oncology. After a great appointment today with no concerning things goin on down there! I am now on a “see as needed” schedule with *this* DR. Bonus: seeing Kristin who literally got me through some of the hardest days early on.  Thank you bags of poiso

Round 10

For those of you who don’t know.... 10 rounds is a lot of chemo.  Two more left. I approach it with both anticipation and anxiety. Trying to learn to take it day by day.  Recurrence is a real thing. Scanxiety is a real thing. Learning to live as a survivor is another hurdle to climb.... not make any easier by my Enneagram 6 personality. Things I’m doing to prepare myself: Setting up counseling again  Getting a tattoo to mark this journey Writing Light exercise  Lectio Divina and Quiet Time Reaching out to others survivors  Not googling worst case scenarios  Planning a celebration dinner with my family Going to Disneyland as soon as it’s available  Giving myself time and space to recover and not pushing myself  Continue taking  meds for anxiety

What does being faithful in the little things mean? What about the big things?

I am married to one of the most encouraging people I have ever met. Tonight after being disconnected from my chemo (hallelujah) I got emotional (nothing new around here...I already was emotional but cancer takes it up a notch)  I’d been diving into learning about World Cancer Day, connecting with new survivors online that weren’t freaking me out but encouraging me, looking for local Colon Cancer Awareness 5k fundraisers etc. Starting to prepare for “life after treatment” which if you can believe it is even more scary to me than being in treatment ....as an Enneagram 6.  Trevor said something about how the idea that if you’re faithful in the little things, God will trust us with the bigger things. We usually take that to mean, good big dreams we have or being patient for that breakthrough and trusting the process.  But for me... it’s looked different.  I had a miscarriage and it shook my core. But before long I was messaging with other women who’d walked through the same thing but had n

Call to Ministry - 3rd Year

In our denomination, there is an interview each year to renew your diatrict license. This happens every year until you’ve been ordained. The purpose is to check in with you, see how you are coming along in your ministry life, personal life and education life as well. It’s also a time of encouragement and guidance. I am so thankful that our denomination takes this process seriously and helps to affirm and make sure new pastors are as equipped as possible for life in ministry.  This past week was my 3rd year interview. I had hoped this year would be a year where I was able to take a lot of classes but.... then cancer happened. This process is taking longer than I hoped haha, but I do believe there is something to be said for not rushing through and I am learning a lot outside of the school setting as well.  The interview was great. The affirmation of my call to ministry and their belief in me as a leader truly is humbling and encouraging.  I left the interview in tears. Happy tears. Than

Round 9

Whew. We made it. It honestly felt like it had been a month since my last infusion. These last treatments are D R A G G I N G.  My platelets were *just* high enough to have treatment today. I’m hoping they hold steady for the last three so there aren’t anymore delays... but if it happens it happens. I had a moment of “how is this my life?” today while I was hooked up. It is still surreal.  I am hearing a lot about life after treatment and how hard it is, or can be. I’ve already begun to have anxiety around it. I mean right now I’m getting labs every other week and chemo. So I know someone is monitoring everything. After I’m done I will get a colonoscopy and then I will wait six months before my first scan. Which will bring “scaniety” with it. It’s just a lot to think about. I’m planning on resuming therapy and hopefully getting my husband and boys into some counseling to help process the trauma our family has been through. Usually there are groups our boys could participate in, but wit

Never The Same

I remember coming home after my diagnosis and falling apart. I remember telling Trevor very specifically that I could not and would not be able to endure radiation and oral chemotherapy and then 6 months of chemotherapy infusions. I literally could not do it. I would not be able to endure it. I’d watched my Mom and others and there was no way I could do what they did. 100% no way.  I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. For days and days. On one hand I was afraid of dying and leaving my boys motherless before they were even teenagers and on the other hand I was afraid of living through what the next months  were going to hold. I felt utterly hopeless.  The weeks between my diagnosis and meeting with my oncologist were brutal. Filled with unwise Google searches, crippling anxiety, massive trauma from my surgery, waking up every single morning with an indescribable panic attack, unable to leave my bed, feeling utterly abandoned by God and ultimately alone because of Covid quarantine. Every

Round 8

Yesterday my numbers looked great and so hallelujah chemo was a go for today! My Doctor said these last rounds will be the hardest and it will be a slow drag or “slog” as he called it, to the finish line. I figured this was the case but hearing it from him really validated how I felt after round 7 and knowing what’s to come.  I really like my Hematlogy Oncologist and I loved my Radiation Oncologist. I feel extremely blessed to be in their care. Which is a good thing since I will see them regularly for the next 5 years HA! After I get this pumped removed and a liter of hydration on Thursday I can say 4 MORE TO GO! The hope is for March 2nd to be my last chemo but that will depend on my blood counts (mostly my platelets as I’m now getting the bone marrow shot that produces extra WBC‘a every time).  As I lie here in bed I am thinking about the man to my left today who was finishing his last treatment. He rang the infamous bell. It was the first time I heard it and I got chills. Soon I get

Preparing for 2021

I’m not trying to be the bad guy, but  2021 isn’t going to magically change our current situation.  We can say we are done with 2020, but we need to prepare our hearts and minds to continue on steadfastly in the journey we are all on. If we aren’t careful our last ends will fray away, weary as we are. In 2021 we will still be in a global pandemic, we will still be wrestling with systemic racism and the complacency of our country within that reality. In 2021 Christian nationalism will continue to infiltrate the church, and the gaps between socioeconomic groups will widen and I will still be fighting cancer.  So, the question is, what am I going to do to prepare my heart, my soul, and my body to continue to align myself with Jesus? What rhythms will I put in place to be able to walk in the tension on this earth? The hope I have and the reality of what is - is often uncomfortable, but I believe growth can happen there. What habits can I form that will continue to form me to God’s likeness