All The Wild Things

3 rounds down....9 to go. I’m 25% of the way done with my infusions. I like looking at it that way (thanks for the tip Mom!) This last round in the chair was super emotional for me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror with my pole on one of my many bathroom trips (thanks extra hydration) and it just hit me. This is my life- how in the world am I getting chemo? Did this actually happen? It felt surreal.  After I sat back in my chair the tears rolled down behind my mask and I had to pull myself together and then text Trevor. Who sent me this: “ Our  pride and your courage is about YOU and how you are real, and vulnerable, and compassionate - and that this season is just one more way (sucky way) that God shows you who you are. you are his. you are mine. you are an amazing mom. you are a warrior!!” He’s the best.  And then I fell asleep (thank you IV Benny and AirPods).  This is a roller coaster experience and some days are fun and fine and other days I want off or I want to puke or

As the days draw closer to my next round I find myself almost excited?!?!  Is that just the weirdest thing? I know what to expect now when I go, I have the BEST support system and I know it means one more round down and one more day closer to being done with all of this. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my week break in between, but I don’t feel anxious going in. I feel hope. Something I thought was going to be allusive this entire process.  ( PS: I reserve the right to change my mind about this at any point along the way!!) Tomorrow brings a blood draw, appointment with my oncologist (okay that always makes me nervous- I like the PA better) and then another Pre-Chemo Movie Night with friends and family. If Cinemark stops this before I’m done with chemo I’m going to have an issue!!! Oh and I get my hair cut!! You know, even if I mostly only go to doctors appointments you gotta keep the hairs lookin good. Tonight I got to teach/preach for the first time since March. I had a lot of anxiety go

When my Mom was going through treatment for breast cancer, we celebrated every win. We had  a party any chance we got. From surgery parties tto finishing parts of the treatment plan parties and so on. Because it was so long ago (yay!) and COVID wasn’t around we got to have little mini parties in hospital waiting rooms too. I remember showing up to one of her surgeries in pink fuzzy flip flops along with others just because it made her smile.  My Mom and I are a lot alike, but in this scenario after my diagnosis, I wasn’t feeling the same. I didn’t want any sort of parties, I didn’t want to celebrate anything. I was so angry I couldn’t imagine finding anything to be happy about. I didn’t want to feel like I even had to pretend to be joyous. I’m authentic and genuine and I can’t fake it. I couldn’t post a smiling “I’m gonna beat this!” pic for the life of me. She reminded me that it was okay and it was my own journey and I didn’t have to do it the same as she did. I needed to be me, and

“ Instead, call me Mara,  for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me.  I went away full, but the LORD has brought me home empty."  I decided after my diagnosis this was my new life verse. I was angry, I felt abandoned by God, I felt forgotten. I felt like prayer didn't matter...prayer was a shot in the dark. I'd seen faithful people pray for healing and their loved ones die and others lived. Why? I don't believe it was because someone prayed more than someone else...so where does the answer lie? Is there a point to prayer other than getting close to God, and if that is the only point then why are we praying specific prayers?  I could not open my Bible. My ground was shook and I did not know how to recover. Was my faith so brittle and weak I could not withstand this? Had I been fooling myself this whole time? How am I a Pastor if I can't even imagine moving forward from this still trusting in God? I wept. I wept harder than when we lost our baby, when my husb

When you and your caretaker are both working from home (him more than FT and me 30 hours) and you have three kids doing school online (2 different grades) and you’re going through chemo AND continuing to take courses to fulfill ordination requirements DURING freaking COVID..... You find ways to make your life safer and easier if at all possible. For us that’s looked like: Masked up all the time around everyone but my parents. Even outside. Our boys do not push back at all. Socially distant meetings or hangouts in our backyard with masks. Nobody coming in our house by my parents. Shoes off when inside. Multiple times a day sanitizing high touch places. I don’t go out often. Trev does as much from home as he can and he is the one who goes into stores unless we can use Instacart which we do most often. We bought a HEPA Air Filter (named Scourgify) for our home that does the full Shabang from allergens to dust to smoke. We purchased a better robot vacuum (Locomotor the Roomba) because that

Finally home after a LONG day. Was not prepared to be gone all day- lots of delays due to emergencies with another patient (she is stable in ER now) In bed with my pump on for another two days. My appointment was at 9:50am but I did not get hooked up until 11:15am. While it was a long wait, there was a sweet woman who was struggling with other things and all hands were on deck for her. I did love watching the care and concern and detail with which the department took care of her. I do hope she is okay.  I also asked for an extra bag of hydration this round because of how hard it was for me to get fluids the first days after chemo due to the cold aversion. That takes longer and I did not realize that. I didn't come prepared with enough nutrition so that is a lesson learned. Pack more food than I think I will need! All in all it went well, although I didn't have a nice view out the window this time.  Loving my new shirt from my Mom. I think I shall wear it every other Tuesday and