All The Wild Things

  This is not my story. This is not my story. This can’t be my story. I don’t want this to be my story. My story. MY story. How do I live out this story? How do I embrace this story? My story. How do I give glory for this story? My story. My life. His story. My story for His glory. My life for His glory. “And I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord, and I will be the glory in her midst.’” ‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭2:5‬ ‭ESV‬‬

  Monday the 27th is the day. The day chemo and radiation begin. Wrapping my head around simultaneous treatment each with their list of side effects has been overwhelming but I am being reminded to take it a day at a time and this is my story and my experience and not anyone else’s. April 24th was when we found out something didn’t look right - 3 months later we are finally getting going. I am so ready to start killing this sucker and I am also terrified. I think it’s good to remember we have the freedom to feel all the things. To be afraid and brave, to be nervous and confident, to step into the unknown holding tension between it all. My childhood pastor sent this verse to me as it’s been a comfort for he and his family through many rough seasons and I cling to it, repeating it until it burrows down in my soul. So the real journey begins with phase one lasting between 5-7 weeks, Monday through Friday I do both chemo and radiation with Sat/Sun “off”’(Things to pray for? Minimal side ef

  Before we had my appointment with the oncologist we drove to the ocean. I needed to leave the house after being inside for 4 weeks and everyone else needed it too. It was easy to social distance and we didn’t come into contact with anyone. The ocean has always felt like a place of healing for me and a place I go expectantly for a spiritual encounter with God. I didn’t feel that way after this trip. I was pretty upset about it to be honest. I kept waiting for a breakthrough of peace in my heart, of comfort knowing He was with me and of hope. I left mad. Happy the boys got to have some freedom but disappointed with my expectations. And then I “went public” with my diagnosis which was incredibly hard and I wept after because it felt so much more real and I hadn’t actually said or typed the words “I have cancer” until then. And in the two days since I went public the outpouring of love and support and encouragement had left me undone. I feel humbled and undeserving and overwhelmed. But

  I have had a hard time opening my Bible since my diagnosis. I had felt so completely alone and forgotten, searching for hope and peace and coming up dry. I have had days of sorrow and days of anger and questioning and doubt, days where I couldn’t utter any words of prayer and relied on the words of others. Trevor reminded me David, author of the Psalms, was there searching for peace and only able to rely on the promise God had given him. He shouted and prayed too// This last week my Grandma moved from her home into a new place. In the move some things went with her and others were dispersed amongst family. My Grandma’s Bible came home with my Mom. My Grandma is a prayer warrior, a faithful servant to her family, community and church. This Bible is full of highlights and underlines, notes and more. My Mom brought it over to me last night, believing during this season it could be helpful. I smelled it first, yes....this is hers, this is from her home where I have so many memories from