Thursday, July 11, 2019

Three Weeks Later

Tomorrow is 3 weeks since we said goodbye to our girl.
Where she slept is now filled with blankets and boxes and clothes that need to be organized- our dog still wanders in sniffing around wondering where she went.

Sometimes I think I hear her from down the hall, or from outside where she spent most of her time... exploring and getting dirty and jumping on the trampoline. 

It’s a weird space- grieving the loss of a child that did not die. There is no book for this type of loss, barely any words written around this topic. How does one write about rejoicing in a reunification that you don’t think should have happened but are hopeful and prayerful while also terrified at what is down the road. How do you balance the tension of believing in restoration but believing that does not always mean reunification? 

My plan of keeping busy and filling the days with activities has been hampered by a back issue I’m seeking answers for. I was mad that I could not numb my pain by being busy- that I had to sit with this discomfort both physically and emotionally. I am sad, it hurts, I am worried and missing her and sad for her and I don’t want to feel so dang much! 

It is a day by day process that begins with giving it over to God and trusting Him in that moment and then continually giving it over to Him again and again. Being aware of my tendency to pick up my worry and recognizing it and then giving it back over is part of the formational process it’s where I am refined it’s where He is most at work in me.

The only thing I know so far is that our saying yes has led to countless other yes’s from us and from others. Our yes led to an adoption, friendship with bio families and the opportunity to share Jesus. Our yes has paved the way for others to say yes - not because we did anything special but because we were willing to step into something unknown and a little scary in order to meet a tangible need and in that process be open with how God was not only changing us but our family as well.

The season of foster care has changed me in ways I could never have imagined and despite the difficulties- has proved to be the single most transformational time in my life. During this season I discovered and pursued the call to ministry on my life and that is not lost on me.