I've never been a person who had "one" thing they wanted to do. I've never been someone who just had this big dream that was easy to pinpoint. I didn't attend a 4 year college, mostly because going down one path felt like a plastic bag over my head. I like doing cool stuff with cool people and helping others find their passion and purpose in life. I love mentoring, encouraging and collaborating. The good thing about this is, I have been able to do a lot of it in recent years and I never get stuck doing one thing for long. The bad thing is, when I don't have something I'm working on that fits that strength and passion of mine, I feel like I have to go looking for it, and fast. I feel this sudden dread of discontent and boredom. I panic...what should I be doing with my life?! So I start researching things. I research schools, degrees, certificates, jobs, positions etc. I look to fill up my empty space without really letting God just move.
We have a busy life, but it's a good life. Being married to someone in full time ministry means our weekends are just as full as our weeks if not more, and there really is no such thing as "clocking out". Add three active boys and my part time job plus volunteer work and life is full. I am never actually bored, but if there isn't this pressing exciting matter at hand- I feel bored. I know, it sounds crazy. Trevor thinks it sounds crazy too, thankfully he loves me despite my spaz tendencies.
I didn't really know what it meant to "dream" until a few years ago. Some of our friends helped several of us walk through what it looks like to dream big and act on those dreams, trusting God had placed those on our hearts. Even then, I didn't feel like I knew exactly what I was doing, and my dreams felt more like goals. Or I just through out stuff that sounded big and cool because everyone else had something big and cool. Also, I fear dreams can tie people down. I imagine sometimes we hold onto a dream so tightly in our fists, they aren't open when God wants to drop something else in there. For me, there just wasn't this one elusive thing I wanted out of life that I was too afraid to speak. There still isn't. I just want to keep doing cool things with cool people and be willing to jump when God says jump. And we've done that, most recently with foster care.
I'll admit I've been feeling some pressure (from myself) to have something more to work towards. I've wrapped up projects I was working on, we aren't currently fostering, I'm not in an "activator" type season in my ministry and admittedly, I've felt a little lost.
Home is good, work is good, church is good. Life is good.
I realized I had become somewhat discontent with my actual life, the one I live day in and day out.
My kids are growing fast, lighting speed. Our family dynamic isn't like anyone else's that I know. Three boys, so close in age- two of whom are twins. It's just different I promise. I was coming home to the same ages as the kids I had spent 4 hours with at work. I was struggling to find margin in my energy and patience for them. I just wanted to get to bedtime.
I was gently reminded that all I really ever did dream of was being a Mom. Having kids and being home to raise them. I am living out that dream of mine every day. It's not always pretty, but it was, and is my deepest desire.
Sure I have other areas of passion and gifting, and things outside of my family that fill my tank. I just forgot to look inside my walls first, I hadn't been as intentional as I hoped to be.
I finished Jennie Allen's newest book Nothing To Prove this week. In it she says "The lie is, if it isn't big, it doesn't matter. When we believe that, we make influence the goal rather than loving God and people"
Finding contentment in a culture of hustle, even among the Christian circles of leadership and influence will be tough for some, and possibly the ultimate battle. I know I can fall in this category and I plan to be much more aware of that in myself moving forward.
As I continue to learn how to dream, allowing God to ask anything He wants of us, and being ready to jump, I am also making a more concerted effort to find joy and contentment in my actual daily life. I have to learn to let God move first, not manufacture my own thing and trust in His timing and purpose for my life.