Skip to main content

Two Months Later

It's been quiet around these parts. Sometimes writing things down is so good for my processing, and other times I have to process first before I can write anything coherent.

According to my last post we were preparing to say goodbye to our foster son. Preparing is a funny word. When I prepare dinner I have the ingredients at the ready, but there is nothing at the ready in this sort of situation. You wash the clothes and sort out the ones that he still fits in and will go with him. You fold and store the ones he has outgrown in his time with you, remembering each outfit and thankful you took so many darn pictures. You set aside the one pair of footie pajamas he came in, sniffing in the smell of them and tucking them in a special box. You sanitize the toys, boxing up the ones that are his and putting the others away in case another little one comes to stay for awhile. You then ask your husband to remove every item in the home that would remind you of him, the gate, the high chair, the bottles and diapers... because if it's there after he is gone, every time you look at them it will punch you in the gut. You do leave his picture on the wall, the one you took and the one made into a Mother's Day gift. You don't erase him, you honor and acknowledge his space in your home and in your life, if even for a few short months. You watch the window for the social worker to pull up in the state car and remove him from your arms. You rock and rock and sing and pray and squeeze and hold tight until she comes.

That is the preparing you can do. There is no preparing your heart for the feeling of loss that comes. You have mothered a child. You've attended to the midnight cries with soothing rocks in the comfy chair and warm bottles. You've sung the goodnight song, said the prayers and the scripture over him. You've done the doctor visits, the antibiotics, the care of wounds. You've been the arms he's come back to after visits with him Mom, you've been the safe haven and the routine and schedule he's depended on. Your kids have bonded to him like any other new sibling, your family has embraced him as their own. Your church family, scrambling to hold him or see him- to love on him. You have given birth to a kind of love in your heart you didn't know existed. A new kind of love that represents a new characteristic of Christ, one that doesn't even make sense because you are loving a child that is not your own, nor will he ever be yours....and yet you go all in because you don't know how not too.

You've done the dance with social workers, judges, attorneys, and extended family. You've shown grace when you wanted to curse. You've advocated for him and been protective of him while also championing his mother and that has not been easy. You have put your own feelings aside, and trusted God to write this little one's story. 

And now you must relinquish him. You will no longer have a say in his care, his future, his life. You were a middle mom. You served your part for a time and now that time has come to an end and while the daily routine of caring for him ends...your heart does not stop caring. It can not, will not stop the loving, caring, aching for this child because that is not how love works. And there is no preparing for the hurt and grief you feel when that separation happens. 

It's been just over two months since we said goodbye and although we are still in touch it is so very different. To go from Mom to friend, to watch and not step in as he's given food too old for him or starts to run out into danger. To give his Mom space to learn to mother him while also not just turning a blind eye. Carefully choosing words that encourage and guide instead of judging. Walking the line of support and care, while creating boundaries for us all is a whole new sort of balancing act.

His eyes light up when he sees us. He knows us. I pray someday he will know just how much we loved him and still do...and why we loved him the way we did. This is the good and hard love we are called to. 



Comments

  1. Yes, and yet so hard to quite understand. So great to see him with all of you today!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Loved watching him love and watch you and the boys and Trevor today! He knows that love you had, have and will be there! I could see it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Win a custom header and grab button!

I'm super excited to have already reached 50 followers on my new blog here! I promised a giveaway and so here it is! Melanie over at Elegant Custom Designs has donated her time and skills to design a custom header and a grab button for your blog! She does beautiful work, so I know you will be quite pleased! This includes installation if you are a Blogger user. If you use Word Press you will get the code, but you will have to install it yourself. :) Here is how you can enter to win and make sure you leave a separate comment for each entry! Mandatory entry : Leave a comment letting me know you are a Google follower! Extra Entry : Follow Melanie at Only a Breath Extra Entry: Tell me why your blog name is what it is! This giveaway will end on Friday April 1st at 8:00pm West Coast time :) I will announce the winner that evening (if I can get on the computer hehe) Good luck :)

BeautiControl Giveaway!

Have you heard of BeautiControl? This is an incredible line of skin care products that truly work ! It's skin care, bath and body, makeup and men's care! When I was pregnant a friend of mine who sells this came over and pampered me and a few friends, and then I started using the face system just before the babies were born. It did wonders. Then I ran out, and I put it off and my skin got bad again. And then about 2 weeks ago I started using it again. Wow. A visible difference in just two weeks. It looks better and feels better! Face Lift Line I am super picky about my skincare items, and I don't buy just anything.  Plus, I still struggle with breakouts. This stuff not only smells amazing, and makes my skin feel incredibly soft, but it does it's job. They have a huge line that you will have to check out, just go over to their website and browse around! You can see if there is a consultant in your area and host a spa party!!! Today I am giving away a Chocolate Indulgence

What’s more lame than having one type of cancer? Having two.

I had two colon polyps that popped positive for cancer. The thing is, they were in such different places they are considered two different cancers. Colon stage 3a and Rectal stage 3b . What’s more sexy than that?  My 5 weeks of radiation and oral chemo was to kill off any remaining cancer cells in the rectal area because even though my surgeon (while tactless) actually did an amazing job by literally remaking that whole area internally and avoiding any sort of colostomy bag- you can’t guarantee you got it all. So standard practice is always pelvic radiation for that area.  The chemotherapy infusions are to make sure every last naughty cell in my body is gone. Because I had it in one of the lymph nodes they removed, it showed this cancer was able to travel which is how cancer spreads to your other body parts. If it wasn’t in the lymph nodes yet chemo wouldn’t have been necessary. So glad we caught this when we did and that I actually had symptoms to warrant a colonoscopy. Often times th