I'm not going to lie, I didn't like this year. It started off with a devastating family issue and and the months that followed seemed to be sucked up in a black hole and now here we are, 2015 drawing to a close.
I had some intention when the year started, some of it surrounding my kids and some around my health. Those specific intentions found their way to the back burner and I found myself just treading water most of the time.
My emotions are a big part of me, I feel big, I carry things heavy and it can weigh me down. I felt that weight more this year than I ever have before. Burdened not only for myself, but for my immediate and extended family. I felt a burden to carry the hurt for them, the joy for them and to keep everyone moving forward. Not that I was asked to...but it felt very much like I was holding things together there for awhile. Pointing to joy in different areas and reminding us all there was still good happening. It was true, there was...but I exhausted myself juggling the roles and I reached a breaking point. It was pretty ugly.
My sweet husband and my friend/confident were so gracious with me, listening and providing encouragement and just letting me be me. There are certain things I know help me function at my best, I need to be in the Word, I need to be with people, I need dates with my husband, I need to exercise and I need to eat good. I wasn't doing any of this, maybe just the people part. But even that was pretty exclusive to just those I knew wouldn't take from me, but could give. That might sound selfish, but I had nothing to offer. I love being the one to encourage, seek out ways to support and help...but this season I had accept I needed to be on the receiving end of it.
I couldn't handle anyone else's issues or needs because I could barely handle my own.
Time has passed and things are slowly starting to normalize. We bought a house in August and that by far made this year so much better. I am so grateful it happened when it did, and it was such an unexpected thing- which made it all the more special. Our boys are doing so good, all in school for at least part of the day which has meant a new season of margin for me and I've loved it. Church/Trev's job is going so well and we are so excited for what is down the pipe. My photography has taken off and I've enjoyed being challenged in this new way as well as continuing to serve in a few different roles at church. Really, life is good. We are good, and there is so much...so very much to be thankful for.
I feel like I haven't learned much, I don't have much insight or glaring wisdom to offer after such a year. Maybe this time next year I can look back and pull a few things out, when it's not as fresh.
What I do know is that God is faithful, He never abandons or leaves us. He can handle my anger, my fear and my questioning. He cares deeply for me, and hurts when I hurt. I do know that having someone you can go to with all the ugly is important, that continuing to communicate with your spouse is vital and that letting your kids see you reaching out to Jesus in desperation instead of hiding it teaches them we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
I'm eager for a new year. Eager to start what I hoped to start this year, which is a rhythm in our home that fits our family, and a renewed sense of motivation for improving my body through running and eating well.
2015 paused a lot of things, it's time to hit play again...trusting in the faithfulness of a God who doesn't give up on me even when I feel like giving up on Him.