I've been loving the Timehop app. It allows me to remember moments and pictures that I had otherwise forgotten. Pictures of the boys from 2 years ago, Twitter statuses from last year, Facebook posts from 4 years ago. It's been a blast.
Until my Birthday.... Timehop reminded me of my Birthday 5 years prior where I spent it with several different friends each one a surprise orchestrated by my always amazing husband.
Don't get me wrong, that was amazing, but I had a secret that day. I was pregnant. We decided to wait until Thanksgiving to share the news, but all day long I knew and I held it in. The memories came flooding back.
5 years. 5 years ago we lost our baby at Christmas. The day in between two Christmas programs.
It felt like I was hit with a tidal wave, knocking me down with emotions I didn't see coming. I lost it.
I was so confused. Why am I shedding tears now? I haven't shed tears for several years.
The complete sorrow and ache I felt when we lost the baby moved through all the stages of grief and we walked them together, Trevor and I. Due dates came and we remembered and it was sad, but it wasn't the same....just as it is with all loss. The date of the loss would come, and because it was Christmas it was always a little bit more heavy...but we remembered and saw what God had done since.
This laid heavy on me all day, until I finally broke down to Trevor that night. I was so confused and it felt so weird to all of the sudden be so sad again.
Looking at Camden and Christian, nearing 4 years old and full of life. This beautiful crazy life of mine- why am I sad again?
It's not as if I've forgotten that little one. I still remember seeing the heartbeat, That reassurance that is supposed to mean all will be okay.
I wrote to two of my friends who had also miscarried and who I knew wouldn't think it strange to feel the way I was feeling. I wanted to process with them, where I felt safe.
One of them had recently had similar feelings about her babies and the guilt that comes with not thinking of them for awhile and why do we feel guilty...
The other friend re-shared a blog post she had written after losing one of her babies, and it just felt good to know that....
Grief doesn't play by any rules, it comes and goes and sometimes hibernates for a long time before it needs to expose itself once again. I am sure this is the same for many types of grief. A wave of emotion can knock you down at any time throughout the years.
Trevor and I all along felt strongly that this little one was a girl. Even Jack has stated that without prompting a long time ago.
All this time and we hadn't named her. I don't know why, we just never did. My friend Adriel suggested maybe that would help now and so we talked it over and we did. We named her. It made such a difference.
Jack asked about that baby yesterday. He reminded me again he thinks it was a girl, so I told him her name. Then he said "You were sad and you cried when you lost her, but then God gave you Camden and Christian and you were full of joy"
I wrote this on my Birthday last week, and deleted and added and deleted and added.
Adriel told me I needed to write, whether or not it would ever be seen didn't matter.
Today I feel like it needed to be seen. Maybe as we approach the holidays and those who have lost feel that grief knocking at the door and they aren't sure if it's okay to feel it...or they are overwhelmed again. Just know it's okay, to feel all of the emotions and to walk through them again. Don't ever feel silly about it, or unsure. And remember that God is faithful to bring healing and restoration and that you don't need to put a time limit on your grief. And by all means, talk it out with someone you trust. Don't walk it alone.