First time leaving my kiddos for more than a night, first time being away from my husband for more than a few days and first time in a third world country.
I met up with a group of ladies I had never met before (which is nerve-wracking enough because...well, women.)
I wasn't scared, I wasn't nervous. I was hungry.
Hungry to see what was out there. Hungry to meet Jesus in the dirty places, the forgotten places, the looked-over places.
I had jumped, I had done something that financially didn't make sense but God provided. I had done something I said I was scared to do, for selfish reasons alone.
What happened was friendships formed that will last forever, an awakening to what really can work and be done in these places where the hope seems to hard to come by and a realization that truly I must be about Him in all things.
I had told God...do whatever you want. Use me, use us however you please. This trip was a piece of that, but not the whole pie.
It was a step of surrender, not the completion of surrender.
I will practice surrender until my last breath.
If I say, "use me for anything" and "waste me on you"....it must cost something.
It isn't sacrifice or surrender if it doesn't sting...
It will burn
It will tear
It will break
It will crumble
It will shatter
It will rip
And what will come in it's place?
Nothing that looks like what was there before. It will be made new. It will not be made according to your desires or your thoughts.
It's a little scary to talk like that. It's a little frightening to type those words. I treasure most my family and my security. When those things are threatened my instinct is to hold closer, cling tighter, curl into a ball and protect what I believe is mine. Learning instead to open up my clinched fist and release....that is the every day. That is the place I battle, the trenches I war through.
Giving up my right to protect, to plan, to control. Letting loose what isn't even mine to begin with.
Because what is waiting for me, on the other end of trust... is absolutely worth it.
Lord, may I not be satisfied with moments of surrender, but to be constantly seeking You to refine me in every area of every moment.
I pray that from the moment I wake up, no matter the cost, you will burn me up.
Set fire to what needs to be ash, in order for You to move.
To bring glory to your name.
And even when I say I take it all back, when it hurts to much to go on...
remind me of the end result, the eternal result and press me into You.