Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Change: Embracing the Painful

I used to run with my Dad. We would run a few times a week, but the best part was taking place in some local 5k races together. Before Jack came along this was just a part of life. Soon Trevor joined in and caught the bug.

After Jack it took awhile to get up and running again, and losing the weight I gained after the pregnancy. Yes, that's how I roll.

But I lost a good amount and started running again. Then I was pregnant again! And then the miscarriage. I didn't run between that time and the time I got pregnant with the twins which was about 7 months. 

Then the twins, and again...the extra weight from that. I finally started slowing running again in the fall/winter of 2011 and ended up training and running our local Pear Blossom 10 mile run with a sweet God-send of a friend who ran much slower than she probably has ever done in her life. 

After that I was burnt the heck out. I just stopped. For several months. Then I picked it back up again and dealt on and off with some injuries and would stop and rest and then start up again.

I should note here that I don't necessarily like running, but I love running with my Dad and my friends and I love love love the way I feel after. 

Finally in September I went into the Doctor and he was confident I had a stress fracture of the tibia and I had to really rest. Two months later and I was ready to roll, but I decided to get some ink on my foot and couldn't wear shoes for 2 weeks. It needed touched up so again, another 2 weeks. 

Two nights before I was to start up running again with the Couch to 5k program a pop and a snap in my right ankle and I was down for the count. This was also the second day of fasting for me. 
I limped around until Monday when I looked down at my foot to see this

Left was Monday, Right was Tuesday

and I called the Doctor. 

I went in on Wednesday with it looking like this and he immediately referred me to a foot/ankle specialist at the Orthopedic Clinic, and I was told I would have to wait a month to get in.

I was so mad. So angry that right before I was to start running again and working on the physical part of my "change" this happened. 

My sweet friend whom I love spoke truth into me and I realized that God was seriously trying to get my attention. 

I knelt down on our sofa with the boys crawling all over me and asked Him what He wanted and that I didn't want to miss this opportunity to learn but I just felt so defeated. 

I have to be enough for you.

You have to be okay with never running again and never losing this weight from your babies.

You have to get rid of that distraction and just focus on Me. I need to be enough for you.

A gently smack upside the head and I knew. I just knew that He was getting rid of anything else that would distract me from Him and this battle with losing this weight and wanting to run and the discipline in that, it was definitely taking my focus off of Him.

I placed it first without even knowing it. 

The immediate release of the weight on my heart was gone as I promised to Him that He was enough no matter what and to use this time where I couldn't run or do workout videos or anything else and just rest in Him.

I ended up getting into the specialist Monday, which was about 2 weeks earlier than I should of. The guy is #1 in our valley and hard to see. He immediately did an X-Ray which shows what looks to be a chunk of bone floating around in my foot. He likened it to a pebble being tossed into a set of moving gears and what damage that does. This bone is most likely getting into my tendons and ligaments and that is what is causing the sporadic and extremely painful episodes  There could be more the X-Ray didn't show, so I will have an MRI next week.

If that's all it is, he can go in arthoscopically and remove it, and we are praying that is all it is and no other damage has been done. 

A special surprise, the doctor is a Christian leaving for Honduras on Sunday. I got to share with him about my upcoming trip to Haiti and give him my Trades of Hope card. He double booked me so that before I left for Haiti I could get the results and map out a plan.

See? He's still in it all and no matter what's okay. 

Learning to put the most important parts first, and trusting the change in my heart to do way more for me than the physical change could ever do.


  1. "You have to be okay with never running again and never losing this weight from your babies.

    You have to get rid of that distraction and just focus on Me. I need to be enough for you."

    Oh my goodness, friend...
    Tonight God spoke through you to me. I've been beating myself up for not reaching my 30 workouts in 30 days goal, but if I really go still and listen, I know HE is telling me to accept where I am today, and enjoy these boys.

    I am going to try. And can I just say I'm glad to know I'm not alone?

  2. Oh, friend! I am praying for you! I understand the frustration of not being able to run and although I've never had babies, I understand wanting to get rid of those "extra" pounds.. I am praying for you friend..

  3. I have been thinking about you with your ankle situation and lo and behold, you have this wonderful update. It is so amazing how God is using this physical circumstance to gently nudge you into seeing important spiritual truths. It is amazing how we can make things into idols. They seem so important but then God opens our eyes. What you wrote was really convicting to me as well. Lord willing, you will be treated quickly and it will not negatively impact your plans for Haiti. I will be praying to that end.