It's a lyric from Shane and Shane's song, "I Want it All"
Use me, break me, waste me on You, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You
For to die is to live...
to starve is to feast
and less of me is more of Jesus
Lord, I want it all
Lord, I want it all
If I lose my life
I gain everything
And at the cross
Away with all death's sting
Lord, I want it all
Lord, I want it all
There is power in the blood
There is victory in Jesus
It's based off a few verses in Philippians.
It's a deceleration not just a pretty song. Giving myself to Him, recognizing that what that may look like is a lot more sacrificial and scary than anyone wants to admit.
Do I truly mean it? Do I mean what I say when I say I will do ANYTHING for Him? Give him EVERYTHING I am and that there are no stipulations? Or do I say it, holding back part of myself? Like my safety, and my families safety?
There is no half in here. I'm either all in or I'm not in at all...and that takes my breath away. No it's not comfortable or easy. My friend Jenna sent this blog my way this morning and I took a snippet of if for my Facebook status.
"The edge of greatness – the place where we feel we could lose as much as we could win – is where greatness lives. It doesn’t live in safe places, it lurks where risk runs wild. Greatness is rare because it costs more than the average are willing to pay to achieve it.
So the next time we confront uncomfortable, acknowledge it for what it is – not an invitation to quit, but an opportunity to be great."
It's not a one time thing, this giving over of yourself. I have to do it everyday. When things look bleak or insurmountable I have to back up and give it up again. That is the best part. It's a constant reminder that I CANNOT do this on my own, that it's only through HIM that I can do it. It keeps me coming back to Him, reaching for Him and begging Him to pick me up and use me all over again. That's what is so perfect about this, this relationship I have with Christ. It's not one-sided, and you can't find that anywhere else.
Also, sometimes that means that people won't understand and will think you are crazy. They won't agree, they will think you are being irresponsible and are only seeing the earthly side of things. In fact, the Bible flat out tells us that people will be like this and it's not strangers that will be like this. It's your close friends and family.
A month ago I hadn't heard of Trades of Hope, I had no idea what it was. I had no clue that there was a home party system selling fair trade products from women all over the world, helping them pay their AIDS bills and keep their children and stay out of sweat shops and sex trades.
A month ago a trip to Haiti in February was the furthest thing from my mind.
In fact, a year ago I was still saying that I would NEVER go on a mission trip again. I went on one as a high schooler to Mexico and it was awful. The kids I met were lovely, the rest of it solidified for me I wouldn't do that again.
God is funny like that.
So, Trades of Hope decides to forgo the typical "training gala" that so many companies like this do, and decides that taking their CE's (what I am) on mission's trips to meet the artisans that make the stuff we sell is more in tune with their heart and mission (yeah, way cool)
They announce they are hoping to take two trips a year to various places and the first place they are going is Haiti and it's in February.
My heart is instantly captured and I am sure I am supposed to be on this first trip.
I have not a clue as to how to get the funds in order in such a short time but I'm sure of it.
My sweetie and I pray and I cry and it just doesn't seem like we can swing it. I cry... a lot. And then I pray some more and I'm at peace. Okay God, you are teaching me patience. We committed to some thing and getting out of debt is one of them and we will NOT put anything on a card. Be faithful in this time and my time to go on a trip will come.
Total Peace. Thank you God.
Two days ago it starts bugging me. Why? I had let it go, I was okay. Another time.
But it dug at me, in my heart and I couldn't shake it.
So I emailed the co-founder to Trades of Hope and trip coordinator.
In a matter of a few hours doors flew open, God moved some little mountains, I sent an email out to my dear friends and family and I wept and as of today (this was yesterday that all happened) I have already paid for and sent off my passport stuff and half of my first plane ticket is paid for!!
Yes. God is crazy cool.
I really believe that the reason I felt peace was a total testing. Do I really believe You are in control and can you exercise patience? Can you wait for ME to move things for you, or do you need to be the one pushing? Can you let me be in control or not?
I leave in 64 days. I leave my babies and I fly to Miami and then to Haiti. I've only ever traveled across country one other time and it was to visit my best friend in Virginia and I took Xanax.
I have only been to Tijuana, Mexico.
Am I scared? Yes.
Will I let fear consume me? Not on your life.
Did I really mean Waste me on You? Or did I say it because it sounds nice?
I have no clue what He's going to do, and it doesn't really matter because it's not about me. It's really only about Him.
I have several hundred dollars more to gather in a super short time. First I have to get on the flight from Miami to Haiti with the rest of the team, then I need to secure my flight from Medford to Miami (seems backwards I know, but this is how I have to do it) I would love you to pray. Pray that He continues to provide ( I know He will because this is totally HIM) Pray for my worries and fears to be put aside and pray for my sweet family. Pray that He just uses me and let's Himself be shown through me.
Countdown is on. This is the first of many I know.
PS: How on EARTH will I not smuggle a child home with me?!?!?
This song came on while I was driving home from getting my passport (NO line by the way...I just walked right up) and I sobbed all the way to the bank to deposit my first amount of money. It's my new theme song.