I wish that you were sitting across from me in a local coffee shop, legs tucked up under in a big comfy chair and your favorite drink was being sipped and holiday music played in the background and I could look into your eyes and tell you what really is going on in my heart.
It just doesn't seem fair, to read it online... I wish ever so much it was in person.
A year ago I would have never seen myself the way I am today.
We never know what to expect in a coming year, and we know there will be good and bad and yet we cannot ever imagine what life will really look like.
Sometimes it's a physical change, something tangible. Like watching your Mama walk graciously through breast cancer or your Dad go through open heart surgery and then only a few months later run in a 5k race. Or you move, or you get a new car or your kids are taller or your hair is grayer.
Sometimes it's inside.
The change that comes with a year.
Sometimes it's just that you are more patient, or more understanding or more content.
And sometimes, sometimes God just does a complete overhaul on your heart. Maybe He stirs it up in you, and maybe He uses something else to stir you.
That's what He did to me.
I am not the same. I am seeing things so different. I used to think that things like living in a hut in Africa teaching kids was for "some people" and that only certain people were "called" to the mission field and that church should look like _______.
That you go to school, grow up, get married, buy a house, have kids, put away for retirement and go to church and do your "church service" whatever it may be, on Sunday morning and live your normal American Dream life the rest of the week. Putting in your tithe and a bit more if you can and basically doing your Christian duty.
The stretch or pull you feel really isn't one at all. It's comfortable. This life you live.
I'm just not okay with that anymore, we aren't okay with that. Jesus didn't call us to live the Christian version of the American Dream.
Is my life really about Him or is it about me?
Is it about what I can do for Him, or what He can use me up for?
Do I really give Him everything and allow Him to do anything with me? Or do I give Him most and keep a few things for myself?
For me it's been security issues. The anxiety of the safety of my family, especially my boys and stability in finances, dominated my heart in ways I wasn't fully aware of.
Not that you become reckless in your spending, but that it isn't about the bottom line, or your savings account or your retirement. That's totally against the grain these days, even in the Christian community and I just found myself thinking and stressing over these two specific areas more than I was letting God just guide and be in control. Like, does He have my life in His hand or not? There isn't a half-way here.
What if what we think is crazy and only for the "called" is really what anyone who says they follow Christ is supposed to do.
We can't all pick up and leave and move to a third world country, but we sure as heck can do more than what we are doing now.
I was pretty content. Pretty pleased with how things were going, and what the future looked like.
I'm just not okay with that anymore.
I don't want my kids to think this life is about them, that they are entitled to anything.
I don't want to wait until my kids "are older" to really dig in and give myself to Jesus and be reckless for Him.
What a disservice to my children.
We have to do this one life better than we are. We have to do church better than we are. Church isn't about me or you, we already know...and have what we need. Let's stop just feeding fat sheep and feed the people Jesus wants us to feed.
Let's stop whining about petty things on Sunday morning and whether or not there is a Sunday School class for you, and get outside of our walls and take our message to our community. Let's not be content to invite our neighbors to our church programs, but to go to them.
Let's stop preaching at people, and just love on people.
Let's remember that it's God who saves, and not us.
Let's stop being consumers. Let's stop thinking of ourselves and sitting back and filling up on what we already have.
There is so much here, I realize that. And if we were having coffee together we could unpack it even more and you could see my eyes and hear my heart.
I know some of you won't understand, and some of you may be offended and that really isn't at all my purpose in this. I think a year ago I may have read something like this and it wouldn't have struck me. But maybe you are feeling some of this too....
God is at work people. He is doing some amazing things and let's not get in the way.
I'm His. He can do anything He wants with me. And guess what? That does scare the ever living crap out of me. But it should.
It's unsafe in the eyes of the world, but being unsafe in the eyes of today's culture is pretty much the safest place to be in Him. He did everything against culture and against what "was supposed to be done". And I'm pretty sure He says we're supposed to live like Him. Sometimes that gets lost in our versions.
So yeah. I'm wrecked. Messed up. Seeing things in a different way. Seeing people in a different way and seeing my life in a different way.
This isn't just me. It's my sweet hubby too...God has worked us both over in our own ways.
So, yeah. What's next? Who knows...I know God is stirring up stuff and I have no idea what that means. We have stuff on our hearts that we are praying about and trusting Him with.
One of those things is something you can pray about us with.
We are going to adopt.
We haven't applied, and probably won't for another year (unless God does some crazy, which He's proven He does!) but that is our goal. Next holiday season to officially apply for adoption.
Never in a million years did I ever think I would type that. Especially not a year ago. But here we are.
My heart is bursting with gratitude and thankfulness and yes I am scared and no I don't have all the answers, but I really am not supposed to. He's in charge, He has done all of this and it's in His hands and that my friends, is the best place to be.