Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Signing Off.....

I am a mess. God is just messing me all up. He's wrecking me, in ways I never thought I could be. It's good, it's just exhausting. Not in a physically sense, although sometimes it can feel that way. Some days I am just weary, others I am overwhelmed by what is going on in my head and I just can't make sense of it.

This is just section of my journal as of late...

My mind is a mess. I feel as if every day I am being born anew. I am waking up for the first time and seeing for the first time ever. What am I to do with this? This radical change in my heart, and in my mind. It’s ripping the core out of who I am, or who I thought I was.  It’s happening so fast, I can hardly keep up. It’s spinning, it’s plucking and I feel as though I can’t contain it. I don’t even want to.
I feel a foreigner. I am no longer comfortable in my skin, in my surroundings. How do I tell my friends how I am feeling, or what God is doing? I can hardly explain it to myself. In one giant whoosh, I have gone from there to here and now where? Can I try to explain the matters of the heart that I am only just beginning to grasp and does it even make sense? My words fall flat. Nothing.  Nothing can explain what is happening to me. 

I am reading so much. Studying so much. Praying so hard. This past month we focused on Possessions. We are doing our own version of 7 and we started with this one. We went from room to room and I kid you not, even though we have had two garage sales in the past 18 months we had bags and bags and boxes of stuff. It sickened me. Why all the clothes? Why the gobs of toys? The random decorations and gadgets, the excess. The amount of clothes alone we packed up made me nauseous. How many shirts does one person need? While there are so many that have maybe one. 

The goal of this month wasn't just to rid ourselves of the excess in our homes, but in our hearts. We didn't just drop the bags off at Goodwill and check-off the good deed of the day (how many times have we done that?!) we took these things to specific places of need and handed them over. 
While we were cleaning and sorting and purging, God was doing a number on our hearts. Forgiveness has been at the forefront, for both Trevor and I. Glaring at us. Some things go back many many years and are deep rooted hurts, some are more recent, but one thing is for sure; God isn't satisfied yet. He is still working on us and this is a process. Just as it will be a process for us, to not just go fill up our houses again with clothes and things we don't really need. It's painful. The plucking, the sifting as my friend Jenna put it so well. But it is good.

This will be a lifelong effort to be aware of the excess in our homes and lives, and for us definitely not just a "one month stand". 

As we wrap up this first month, a month I thought frankly would be easy because it was just about "stuff" right, and I was thrown for a loop (because God is cool like that) and He messed with my heart more than I anticipated...we move on to Media month.
Jen and her family chose 7 different areas of media to refrain from. 
In our house we are saying goodbye to 

(it will never be turned on this month, including for movies)

(for us this is the Wii or any games like Angry Birds or Words with Friends on our phones)

Social Media
(this includes: Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, Blogger egads!!)

Unnecessary Internet Use
(Trev has to use his computer for work, including email so only things related to work and paying bills are okay, all other random internet use is not okay,
 including YouTube and Disneyland sites and random web surfing)

This leaves talking on the phone, writing letters, and text messaging. 
It would be super easy to become addicted to texting, so we have said unnecessary texting is a no-no.

I think I will be okay with this month for the first week or so, and then I will realize how much I use this stuff. 
I am looking forward to not feeling the need to check my 5 accounts when I wake up, or the boys are napping.
I'm looking forward to reading more, praying more, and being quiet. 

I plan on writing for my blog, and publishing after the month is done since it's more or less a journal, but I won't be reading anyone's blogs or posting.

Since I want you all to hang around, I have scheduled some great guest posts as well as pulled some goodies from the archives for you!
I will no doubt overwhelm you with pictures from our camping trip, Jack's 4th Birthday, the coast, our Portland trip and the twins 18 month update when I return.

Praying big things for this month.
Until September 1st, see ya!


  1. Your words are so refreshing because I found myself feeling very similar emotions while I was reading and experiencing "7" ... it is overwhelming at times and yet so wonderful to have your eyes open and your heart changed. Praying for you this month!!!

  2. Good for you! Enjoy the "month off."