Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My 28 year old body.....

This has been sitting in my "drafts" for months.
I've been too afraid to hit publish.
Too worried about what you would think. 
But, I'm doing a lot more stuff these days that I am afraid of. 
So here goes nothing......

I fully intended being "that mom" who was back in her pre-preggo jeans within 3 months or so. I was positive, that after my 6 week check-up, I'd be cleared to workout again and I'd just jump right back into the gym thing.

(*disclaimer...some of you are "that mom" and that's okay...I'm only slightly jealous)

"I'll just breastfeed him, head to the gym while Trev is home with him and then come home and shower"

Duh. So simple.

I fully intended on being "that mom" that always took a shower and got dressed and did her hair and make-up every morning, and did not spend the day in sweats with her hair in a ponytail.
I was getting back into my heels, thank you very much.

And plus, I was going to do the "easiest thing ever" and breastfeed, and everyone and their mother told me "your weight will just fall off".

So, yeah, no big deal.

You see...for awhile I had a real battle going. I wasn't anorexic, or bulimic....but I definitely had an unhealthy perspective about my image. I was obsessed. I was obsessed with working out, and what I ate and what the scale said. And I thought I was huge.  I just wanted to see that number drop below a certain number....even if it wasn't healthy for my height and build. Even if my athletic curvy body shouldn't be that size....I wanted to see if it could. How much could I push it?  Nobody really knew. Just my sweet husband. But it was a pretty intense battle for me, in my heart and in my head. You don't have to not eat, or puke it up to have an issue. And that's where I fell.

Thankfully, just before I got pregnant, God got in my face about it. He really convicted me. I was consumed with it. It was driving my every thought and my every move. I was obsessed. I was a mess. It was inside, yes...not really for anyone else to see.  And I needed help. And with the Lord's help, I worked it out. And I overcame the battle in my mind through a lot of prayer and searching. And a lot of Beth Moore reading as well.

So, now I'm pregnant and I'm free...and I'm eating and knowing I'm caring for this precious boy inside of me. I didn't eat bad...I just ate. And I loved it. And it felt so good to not feel bad about it.

And then he was born, slightly early. Through us for a loop.....and breastfeeding wasn't easy, and he had horrible acid reflux and was colicky. And here I was....3 months after having him, in puke covered sweats with no makeup and no shower and my weight started going UP. Yeah, the wrong way.

And here I am, looking back at photos of myself, pre-pregnancy thinking "What on earth was wrong with you?! You looked amazing!"

And I slowly worked my way back down, with a "system" that caused it to fall off rather fast..... Before having kids, I lost weight pretty easy once I started trying....but that was no longer the case.
I got pregnant again, and then miscarried...and the weight crept back up.

And then...pregnant with twins! And boy was I sick as a dog and dropped a little weight, the awful way.

And here I am, again....trying to work my way back down the scale, knowing I'm not comfortable in this strange body I have right now.
Knowing that yes, my body has been through a ton the last 4 years....and my skin was stretched beyond belief and it probably will take a tummy tuck to make that all go away, and goodness if the person I was before Jack saw the person I am now
she'd be horrified. 

No, I'm not pleased with the fact that my clothes don't fit right. That my pants are either too big or too small and I feel like a foreigner in this strange shell.

But I look at these boys. And I look back at the stress and weight of the past 4 plus years and I see those "love marks" across my stomach- and I am probably never going to look like my 24 year old self again.

But my 24 year old self was selfish, and proud and impatient, consumed with herself. 
And my 28 year old self is patient, and selfless and proud of my kids and what this body has done and been through.
I am me. I am confident in who I am as a Mom, and a wife and a friend. I have grown in my relationship with the Lord so much in these years, that when all is said and 24 year old body would turn away at this one- but my 24 year old heart would long for who I am today.

So, I run. And I lift weights and I have a goal, because I want to be healthy. But it doesn't rule my life or demand all of my energy. That goes elsewhere- because there are more important things in life.

 And right now...they are all asleep :)


  1. beautiful post, girl :) love it! Praise God for his new mercies and his grace and his beautiful creation!

  2. This kind of freedom is something you have to fight for. It does not come naturally. It is that moment when you realize what's important, and how you fit into the world around you, and it is the path that leads to true joy. I'm so so so proud of you. I love this post. Truly.

  3. Such a great post. You totally have this. It is so amazing how these little people make you want to be your best self. Looks like my twins are just 2 months younger than yours! Some how I have actually been able to get to 23 pounds under my prepreg weight-smallest I can remember being since high school. But that is what I needed to do, it is a healthier me and that is who I want to be for them and myself. I have run some of this off but mostly it is by better food choices. Good Luck on your adventure, you look amazing now!

  4. love, love, love this post! I'm 29 and have 7 month old twins and yesterday I put on a swimming suit that I bought after I had my first baby...when I did breastfeed easily and the weight just fell off...well, yesterday I was heartbroken! I still have 10lbs left to loose from my twins, I still have a belly that looks like its been stretched beyond what it should've been, its riveted with marks, a gigantic crater exists where a cute little belly button used to be and as I was feeling so sorry for myself God was pulling at my heartstrings, too, and making me realize that yes, I no longer look like I did at 25, but I'm so much happier and my heart so much fuller and I wouldn't give up any of my 4 children for that body again!! Not ever! Not even on my ugliest and fattest days! and, I used to have nightmares about going out in public without make, I can't even remember the last time I wore make up, other than a date with my man 2 weeks ago :) Amazing how God changes your perspective and shows you what's truly important!!

  5. BEAUTIFUL post!! So true and real! Love this! Thank you for sharing and reminding all of us women that our self image is about more than just the size of our jeans! :) Such a good reminder...thank you!

  6. This is a wonderful post! Although the pregnancy weight came off pretty fast last time for me, I still struggle a bit with how different everything sits now - and I have to learn to be okay with the way my body is post-baby, because really, any changes are so worth it to have my boy! Thanks for sharing - I don't think you should be afraid to share this at all, because I think most women have struggled with body image at some point, and I love your attitude about it now! Great post!

  7. Just beautiful, Krystle! Thank you for sharing. How many of us struggle with this! And yeah, God wants us healthy and fit and ready for His plans for us....but He wants it full of Him, not full of our obsessions and misconceptions and our own striving. Glad to see you're in such a healthy place!


  8. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this post Krystle!
    I've always had a hard time accepting myself when it comes to my body...God has been teaching me to accept myself more even in the state of becoming.
    I've been taking small baby steps to be healthier in my day to day choices. Not always easy to do but I've been making a little progress.
    It's amazing how perspectives change once you have kids and it's no longer about "me" anymore. I like how you said your "24 year old heart would long for who I am today" - it really is about the heart and what God's doing on the inside that's priority.

  9. THis was SUCH an encouragement to me! I have a two month old and have so struggled with the changes that have come to my body. Definitely encouraged me!

  10. This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for your encouragement and honesty! As women we long to be beautiful and often we forget that the inward beauty is more important than our shell. I love how you look at yourself now and see you are exactly who God called you to be. This is a wonderful post. It's a great reminder to me.. I can identify with being obsessed about my body image and always working out.. This was a great post. God is working on me.. Thanks for this smack! :)

  11. I have struggled with my weight and body image for 15 years... Thanks for a beautiful reminder of what is MOST important!

  12. Shoot dang I could have written this post!!! After I had Alexis I went back to pre-pregnancy no problem so I prided myself in the fact that I was "one of those moms". Well, I had Sophie and nope...not "one of those moms" anymore. I ran around like a chicken with her head cut off (in sweats and a ponytail!) chasing after two kids and my weight did NOT fall off. I'm trying to work it off this summer, but also be content with my body and the fact that it grew two wonderful little girls! (-:

  13. As all the other ladies have already said....thank you so much for writing this post.

    I have always struggled with body image issues as well and now look at the pre-pregnancy pictures of myself & say "What was I thinking - I looked good!!". I'm still struggling with accepting my new body, even though I am down to pre-pregnancy weight...I'm not in the same shape/strength I was pre-babies.

    My boys will turn 2 next month & I have to commit to some time for myself to get back into running - because I truly miss it. My goal is to walk/run one 5k this summer as a family to help push me to make time for myself without sacrificing time with my boys - I know I can do it! I'm glad to hear so many other mommies feeling the same way...we can encourage each other!

  14. It's so amazing how God works - he takes the thing that we try to control but instead is controlling us - and frees us from it (if we let him) and become more of who we are, and who he created us to be. It's so hard to "let go" of body image in our culture, it's just always there, always in the back of my mind, always something I have to offer up to Him to help me with. And he does, and he did/does for you, and I'm so grateful.

  15. Wow this post almost brought me to tears! Thank you for your honesty and for posting this for others to read. I've struggled with my weight for years and this was perfectly written.