Friday, August 26, 2011

Honesty

I have written, erased, and re-written this posts several times. Not wanting to come across ungrateful, unappreciative or depressing on this blog here.
There really is so much to be thankful for.
But I'm going to be vulnerable for a bit and just share my heart, and trust that you will love me all the same.


My heart has been so weary these last few weeks.
I will just be straight with you, these babies are tough.
They are high maintenance.
Just the day to day with them is utterly exhausting.
They aren't keen on just chilling, they don't stay happy or content for very long.
They seem to fuss constantly.
They have become horrible nappers.
Add to that their being sick for the last 2 weeks and the difficulties of each day have only intensified.

Jack's needs still need to be met and being just 3, doesn't know quite yet what patience means.
 Shoot, I'm still learning.

The laundry and dishes and floors don't clean themselves and the time I spend with my husband is of
vital importance.

I have been exhausted. Beyond belief. Frustrated I can't figure out how to make our days run smooth, with some sort of pattern or schedule. Just to have a flow to our day would be nice.
Frustrated that it's nearly impossible to get out of the house due to feeding and sleeping schedules that are all over the place and the fact that there is 1 of me and 3 of them, 1 of the 3 not yet learned in the art of staying with mommy and not running off into danger or whatever.

Then there is ministry. Being the wife of a pastor has incredible blessings. But you also see the burden your husband carries for his flock, those under him in ministry.
When they hurt, he hurts.
When things are going crazy and he can't do a thing, the burden is heavy.
And I can't do a thing for him.
Some seasons are harder than others.

And of course, the recent diagnosis of my Mom's cancer.
That was a real blow.
A real "rock my world" moment.
And it's just the beginning of this journey.....

I have felt zapped of joy. I have felt numb.

So, I pick up this book One Thousand Gifts because I've seen so many other bloggers reading it.
It was $2.99 on my Nook so I thought, hey...let's read it.
Two chapters in and I'm being challenged beyond belief.

I read those chapters and spent the next day applying what I had learned.
And you know what?

That day sucked even more than the other days.
I'm not even kidding.
It was awful.

(And I know I'm risking a lot here, telling you this...but it's real life.)

And then I was done.
I decided I was going to life a joy-less life and just go through the motions.
I told God that.
You know what's cool about having a relationship with God, and not just talking/praying to some "image" or "figure" is that I can talk to Him like that.
Just like, "hey, this just sucks and I'm done".
He's just cool like that.
I asked for Him to have mercy
For a reprieve
For a break in the storm

So, I say those things and I'm just laying it all out, being real honest with Him.
And guess what.
He said hang on a bit longer.

Like, literally right after I spoke out loud those words, I felt it.
Hang
On
a
Bit
Longer.

Okay. You da boss.
But I ain't gonna be happy about it.

Well, you know what? My God is faithful.
I wept
I got angry.

My circumstances haven't changed.
But my heart did.

He gave me hope
He gave me peace
He gave me energy
He gave me strength to face it
He let me know He had not forgotten me

There was no "ah-ha" moment
No definite spot in time to point to.
But my heart was renewed and refreshed and I can tell you it was nothing I did.


But I felt like I really had reached the bottom and told Him so.
But I hadn't....it was in me TELLING Him I had reached the bottom and was done where I really had gone to the end of my rope.

And He was there
He didn't let me fall
He had mercy

On the way to the hospital I was listening to the radio, which I never do.
And on comes this song....and I had never heard it before
I started crying because I had just spoken the very same words he sings.
I could have written it myself.

Just another reminder to me that I am not alone
And He is and always will be with me
No. Matter. What.

The last 7 months of my life have been the hardest thus far. I know compared to others they may seem like cake. But all of our circumstances are different and we cannot compare ourselves to others.
I have a wonderful husband who works hard so I can stay home
three beautiful and healthy boys
a loving family
amazing friends
a wonderful church
But it still has been the hardest season in my life.

I'm just so thankful I don't have to weather it alone.


I turned off comments for this post. Just wanted to share what my heart was doing but didn't want to moderate comments for it :)

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