Last year we had two showings of the Christmas program. One on a Friday night, and the next one on the Sunday night. On that Saturday in between, I found out I had lost our baby while laying on a cold table in the E.R.
Our baby that we told our family about on Thanksgiving, a day of thanks. Our baby we were celebrating that Christmas. Gone. No heartbeat. No movement. Nothing.
I felt raw. Robbed of joy. Robbed of my favorite season of all. I felt cheated. It ripped my insides apart. Christmas was in 6 days. How in the world could I pick myself up enough to put a smile on my face? How could I not rob Jack of Christmas fun? How could I even breathe?
That next day, Sunday, my sweet husband had to go to the program to play and sing. I know the only way he was able to, was by God's grace. One of the ladies in the program sang "One Child" often sung by Natalie Grant. He had to leave the sanctuary because the words were too much:
The seed, it grows and somehow becomes a life
It moves, she knows that her baby has arrived,
She's so scared, but she's so blessed
She lays down her fear for the hope at her breast for she knows...
One million chains could never hold back this moment in time
One thousand dreams could never dream what this moment truly means
Heaven and earth, they cradle the infinite Joy born on this night
For it only takes one Child to forever change the world
Too soon. Too raw to hear those words, although sung about our Christ, it pierced his heart and it was too much
Fast forward one year:
For probably the first and last time, my husband didn't have a major role in this Christmas program. It was so nice to sit next to him and enjoy it together. As soon as he sat down I placed his hand upon my tummy. The boys were going nuts. Moving all over. He began to weep, right there while the choir was belting out songs of joy and hope and peace. Tears began streaming down my face as the realization took place. Last year I was mourning the loss of our unborn child and this year, this Christmas we had two babies, two boys moving around inside of me kicking and stretching. With each kick, bringing with it tears of joy!___________________________________________________________________
He knew. He saw this Christmas. He knew last year what this year would hold. He comforted us all while seeing what lay before us. He saw our pain, but He had so much in store for us. He could see our anger, hurt, He knew we had questions and felt empty. He begged us to keep bringing it all to Him to carry and restore. And we did. We continued to cry out to Him, wondering why. Asking for peace. Asking for joy. And that we would not have to wait long to have another child. He saw this all. And not only has He given us back what we lost, but He has doubled our portion. He has exceeded our expectations. He has given us twice the joy. He has given us the perfect testimony, the perfect open door to share about His goodness, His faithfulness and His plan.
I can't even begin to describe the joy I feel. The fullness of joy. And I know there are others out there that this Christmas are feeling despair, discouragement, worry, fear, anger, sorrow and distrust. But I promise you that He has not forgotten you. He has a plan, and trusting can be the hardest thing in the world when you have not reached the other side. But stay faithful, trust Him. He is faithful, He does have a plan.
"When Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes. In fact, the Lord gave him twice as much as before!" Job 42:10 (NLT)