Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Personal Revelation

I thought I'd go ahead and be vulnerable today and post my journal entry for yesterday. For me it was a small revelation, one that others may have already figured out. But I was able to break it down in a way that I hadn't before, so I wanted to share. And how thankful am I that I am typing this and not speaking it to any of your faces, because I would not be able to talk without tears streaming down my face.
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Had a good talk with God. I told him how afraid I am. Afraid of not ever being pregnant again....afraid of getting pregnant and losing another baby....afraid of getting pregnant and there being something wrong with the baby. Fear. Just plain fear all around.

Then He spoke to me. How foolish of me to not accept the gifts of peace, hope and trust that God freely gives? So many don't know God and wish they could find peace in the midst of a storm, they wish they had someone to cling to and trust. I DO know God and He offers me these things! What a fool I would be if I did not accept them, if I did not grab them with every fiber of my being and not let go?

I would be robbing myself of a fruitful life, shortchanging my family and myself.

So, I made a decision to not give in. To not dwell on it and to moment by moment trust and ask for peace and hope...believing He will be faithful to give it to me. I can't do day to day....that's not enough, I would get lost. But I can do moment to moment, each breath I take. It's a battle I have to fight and I have to win. So I will.

                                    
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13

6 comments:

  1. Oh, you precious sister in Christ!!! Keep living moment to moment and you'll find your way back to your ultimate Peace Giver!! One day as you move from the moment to moment, you'll realize that you've lived a whole day to the next day...then one year, you'll realize you've lived one year to the next and then one day it will wash over you, the realization that the life you are leading is the life He purposed for you, whatever the number of children you have on this earth. You will thank Him in that moment as you look back over your life that it is the only life you truly could have invisioned for yourself...and you will pinch yourself with glee, thinking seriously, does it get any better than this? And you will cry out to Him, "I should have trusted you from the beginning, Lord!" Praying for you in the moment...

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  2. I understand all to well what you are feeling. I love you and I needed to read something like this today. Love ya!

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  3. Thank you for such a vulnerable and heartfelt post. I love you, Krystle and I'm so proud to be your friend.

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  4. Perseverance... it is definitely a weapon that defeats the enemy of our souls.

    I think it was in "So Long, Insecurity" where Beth Moore said something like we look to the future and have fear but we forget to remember to add in the grace of God that will be given at the time it is needed most.

    Thank you for the reminder... and from sharing from your heart.

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  5. Beautiful post.

    I found your blog via the Miscellany Monday (and yes, it's Wednesday, but I'm a bit slow) link-up. I was blessed by your vulnerability. It's so hard to hope, and yet there's freedom in hope in trust and in faith. A freedom to really get to know Jesus and to lean on Him that we would be robbed of if we always tried to be safe.

    Blessings to you. And I will be back.

    Rachel

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  6. I know what you are going through...I too have the same feelings/fear and have to constantly surrender them to God. Our second born has Down Syndrome and since then I have been worried about having more children and before that we had a miscarriage so I have been afraid of that too...but I have to constantly tell myself that God picked my children a long time ago and I have to let go of my fears and let his perfect plan for my life reveal itself. Yes, things didn't turn out the way we thought they would with Emily, but I would venture to say things are even better...Down Syndrome and all!

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