Monday, February 1, 2010

Picking up the pieces....

I never intended to write any of this on here. In fact, I was purposefully never going to mention "it" directly. I felt it was too private a matter (and it is private). I also felt that I was protecting myself from not letting too many people know how I was really feeling. So, I was content to blog about silly things like books I was reading and fun pictures of my son. Then I started roaming around in bloggerville and found some blogs that really, really stood out to me. One of those blogs is that of Angie Smith, her husband is the lead singer for Selah. I'm going to let you check out her blog so she can tell her story, but this is what has prompted me to post this.
These past 6 weeks I have felt pain and anger and grief like I never thought I would. If you have not lost a baby before it was born, there is no possible way to understand the kind of grief that this is. It is completely different than any other kind, and cannot be explained.
I have never doubted the will of God, or been angry at Him...just angry. I finally put my maternity clothes in the back of the closet, and started running again. I think this past week I started to feel more like myself than I had since before we lost the baby. To be honest with you, I have had difficulty finding my joy. Now, don't get me wrong, Jack brings me more joy than I thought was possible...and Trevor is the joy that keeps me going. But I felt like I had joy in me at all times, even on hard days, and after losing the baby, that constant joy seemed to be missing.

I will never understand why God even allowed me to get pregnant in the first place if He was just going to take it away, I will never understand the reason behind it all. But I don't want to know, I don't NEED to know why He does what He does. I just have to trust. I have to believe that Jesus is the same now as He was then and that His will is perfect.

The odds of what happened were about 1 in 40 since we had already seen the heartbeat. Not only did we get to see the hearbeat but we did get an ultrasound picture. I am so thankful for that! My wonderful sister had made me a shadowbox that would have been for all the pictures and fun things throughout the pregnancy. We decided to still use it with some alterations. It has the picture, some verses that really spoke to Trevor and I, a necklace give to be my Trevor's mom that is a prayer box with the word PEACE on it and some dried flowers my friend Lacie brought to me. It is a reminder, because I never want to forget and it has been very healing.

The hard days still come and go, and emotions hit without warning. It's only been 6 weeks I keep reminding myself, don't rush it. Other people may have forgotten or moved on...but we haven't.

I can say that I have never had to rely on God so much as I have during this time. That because of this, I have had to learn a new kind of trust. I have learned more about Him, and more about who I am in Him.
We have so much to be thankful for, so much to praise Him for. So we carry on, still picking up the pieces along the way and handing them over to Him.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16


http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ Angie Smith's Blog

2 comments:

  1. Krystle~
    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I had no idea. I will be praying for you, friend.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this. As I'm reading though your posts, Im finding so many of the same emotions that I feel everyday in your writing, and when I saw this I felt like you had gotten inside my heart. I am a Christian stay and home mom to my 2 1/2 yr old son, Josiah, who is a blessing and a handful all at the same time. I too, experienced a miscarriage in January (and also scrapbooked the ultrasound picture) God has taught me so much thru this loss, but most specifically that even though I feel like I lost a baby, He is holding that child in heaven, and one day I will too. Who better to take care of my baby, but the Lord Jesus? anyways, I really enjoy your blog, thank you for sharing your heart.. just wanted you to know that the Lord is using your words to touch mine.

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