These past 6 weeks I have felt pain and anger and grief like I never thought I would. If you have not lost a baby before it was born, there is no possible way to understand the kind of grief that this is. It is completely different than any other kind, and cannot be explained.
I have never doubted the will of God, or been angry at Him...just angry. I finally put my maternity clothes in the back of the closet, and started running again. I think this past week I started to feel more like myself than I had since before we lost the baby. To be honest with you, I have had difficulty finding my joy. Now, don't get me wrong, Jack brings me more joy than I thought was possible...and Trevor is the joy that keeps me going. But I felt like I had joy in me at all times, even on hard days, and after losing the baby, that constant joy seemed to be missing.
I will never understand why God even allowed me to get pregnant in the first place if He was just going to take it away, I will never understand the reason behind it all. But I don't want to know, I don't NEED to know why He does what He does. I just have to trust. I have to believe that Jesus is the same now as He was then and that His will is perfect.
The hard days still come and go, and emotions hit without warning. It's only been 6 weeks I keep reminding myself, don't rush it. Other people may have forgotten or moved on...but we haven't.
I can say that I have never had to rely on God so much as I have during this time. That because of this, I have had to learn a new kind of trust. I have learned more about Him, and more about who I am in Him.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ Angie Smith's Blog