Saturday, February 27, 2010

Full Circle

Full Circle. An emotional weekend for sure....
Tomorrow I would have been 20 weeks along. 20 weeks. We would have found out the sex of the baby. We'd be calling him/her by name. It's a big milestone in a pregnancy, a big deal. And to realize that we're already at that milestone, but I don't have that baby inside me is pretty hard. Sometimes I feel like it was forever reality it was only 2 months ago. Not to say that healing hasn't happened in me, because it totally has! But there will always be some sadness and hurt, because I'm human.

Someone reminded me this week not to minimize this. And I really appreciated her saying that. When people say things like, "at least you have Jack" or "at least you know you can have babies" doesn't help. It just seems like something that would make people feel better, so people say it. And I agree and say, yes you're right. When in reality I want to tell them to shut-up. So...I was thankful for someone that was honest with me and understood it. She lost a baby 22 years ago and it still brought tears to her eyes.

A weekend of emotions, some happy and some sad. And I will say this until the day I die......God is the same NOW as he was before my friend lost her husband, and before I lost my baby, as He is NOW. He doesn't change. We sang that tonight at church ,"You stay the same through the ages, your love never changes. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid, cause your love never fails" Amen and amen.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;

may the name of the LORD be praised."  Job 1:21b

Sunday, February 21, 2010

What the next few months hold....

I realize it's been almost a week since I posted *gasp*
I guess it just hasn't been a very eventful week! It has been so gorgeous here this weekend, so very refreshing! My son would live outdoors if he could, so getting to the park 3 days this last week was great for him. He's so funny, he could care less about the swings and slides and all that stuff. He'd rather just run.....and run and run and run. Up and down the grass, onto the basketball court, over the bridge and back. He just loves to run! And the best part is, he always looks back to make sure we're right there with him :)

So, I'm pretty excited about some upcoming things this year. And I just had to share with ya!!

*I'm starting week 3 of my "Couch to 5k" program, and it should be a good challenge! Feeling good, so I'm excited!!

*My sweet husband and I are going to see my all time favorite Pride and Prejudice at the Shakespeare Festival this Thursday (and dinner too!) I love love love this story, and had the extreme pleasure of being cast as Elizabeth Bennett in my school's performance, my freshman year! holds an extra special spot in my heart!

*I am going to see Joe Bonamassa with my sister and Dad (Dad's treat!) I love the blues and this guy is fantastic!!

*My family is all going to go to Wildlife Safari the Friday of Spring Break! I'm so excited for Jack to be able to see all the animals, and hopefully ride the Elephant! I went so many times as a kid, and still love it. I'm thrilled he gets to start enjoying this, and am very excited the whole family is going! My parents can't wait to put him in the front of my Dad's truck for one trip around the park!!

*We are celebrating my Mom's 50th Birthday!!! It's going to be a great night and I can't wait to let people show her how amazing she is!!

*Pear Blossom (hence the Couch to 5k training!) with the whole family and then the parade which should be extra special this year (details to come later!!)

*A trip to Newport! We have been blessed (yet again) with some time away at The Embarcadero in Newport, OR. Each year after Easter we try to get away since Trev is usually dead to the world. So, this year is extra special and we LOVE Newport!

And this is all just through APRIL!!!! So much to look forward, including the every day joys that come, including watching my son run through the park in pure bliss!!
Thanks for letting me share how excited I am about some stuff!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Nothing beats the Oregon Coast.....

So, I'm finally writing about our getaway to Brookings! I have accepted that yes, we are home, and I have to move past 'vacation mode'!

I can't begin to say how wonderful our trip was! Minus the carsickness that Jack had on the way up, and the stench of vomit lasting until we were able to fully wash the car seat cover.....the trip was perfect! :)

The whole reason behind the trip was to escape. To get some good healing time away together. When something tragic happens in your life, you rarely get to take the time needed to heal and rest. We have a wonderful church family and they saw to it that we would, indeed, get some time away. We feel so incredibly blessed and are so thankful that they care so much about us!

I knew that going to the coast wouldn't "fix" everything and that there wasn't going to be some big moment of, "ah-ha! I feel so much more emotionally healed!" But I did know that God knew why we were going and that He'd meet us there. And He did. Not in some big dramatic way, but when we were driving home I just could feel that the Lord had been with us and ministered to both of our hearts.

We were able to just sit. talk. sleep. relax. pray. read....and look out our window over the amazing ocean. It was bliss.

I have been stuck in 2009. I have not really realized that we are in 2010... I just haven't grasped it. Coming home from the coast, I feel ready to face this New Year. To not look back and wonder, but to step forward knowing that "all He has in store for me is good." I am excited about what this year holds, and not just the fun trips planned and the milestones we'll reach (our 7 year anniversary, Jack turning 2!) But for what I believe God is going to be doing in me!! You can't walk through what I walked through and be the same. And for that...I am excited. I'm not the same person, and I can't wait to see what God does with me!!'s a little late in coming, but Happy New Year to you all and I trust God has big things in store for you as well!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" Ephesians 3:20-21

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Our getaway......

Just a few of my fav's....I'll blog later about the trip :)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Colds, the Bible and the Israelites

And they say that kids don't know how to share....well, my son does. He shared his nasty cold with me, thank you very much! I forgot how exhausting it was to have a cold, while being a Mommy and wife. Shoot...I have no energy to do anything, including making myself presentable to the world. And for that reason, I have pretty much stayed inside my home all week, nursing this thing, napping while Jack naps and taking every moment that my husband is home from work to rest (thank you sweetie!)

While I was resting yesterday, I picked up my Bible to do my reading for the day. I am reading The Daily Bible in chronological order! It is so neat to read the scripture in the order that it took place, it brings a fresh perspective to me and it's just a nice change. But I'm in that really exciting area of the Bible called Leviticus and know, the books that make you salivate for more. Ha-ha...j/k. I will be honest and say I have always loathed this area of the Bible. It felt repetitive, monotonous and boring. BUT...this time it's different! No, there isn't anything "new" about it, but by reading it in the order it took place, I am seeing really how it all went down. I think I'm a visual learner, and I can see this unfold much better than before.

There are still all the ridiculous names, and explanations of offerings to read through. But something is standing out to me like never before. God's grace. His amazing and perfect grace.

These people (the Israelites) hadn't been removed from Pharaoh and Egypt for more than a month before they started whining about their situation. "Why did we listen to Moses" "We were better off in Egypt". They had already forgotten what the Lord had done. How He had been faithful to them. Before we know it, they are off making their own idols while Moses is up on the mountain having a real face-to-face with God. And let me tell you...God was not too happy. But you know what....grace happened yet again. Moses interceded on behalf of the people and God heard him. I don't know about you, but I get SO annoyed at these people, thinking, "hello?! Did you not just see all the miracles that God performed in front of your eyes? Did He not just bring you out of oppression and promise to take care of you?! How stupid can you be?!?!"

But then I remember....they are just like us.

God does some amazing things in our lives. He sends us a song at just the right time that really speaks to our heart. He leads us to a scripture that feels like it was something we wrote. He is faithful to us financially, or answers a prayer about a co-worker or family member. And we're praising Him, thanking Him for his goodness!! Yes! God you are so amazing! And then.....the storm hits. A dream is crushed, a plan fails...sickness, death, loss....and we're left with our human souls wondering, "Where are you now?!" "Why don't I feel the way I felt before?!" "Why???"

God is the same. God hasn't changed. He is the same today as He was yesterday....and we continue to wander around in our "wilderness" just like the Israelites, questioning Him and His plan. Now, the Israelites didn't get to read the whole story, they didn't necessarily know the ending. But WE do! So, we really don't have any excuse to not trust Him. We know that He is faithful; we KNOW that His plan is perfect; we've seen what happens, so why do we always do this? Why do we always forget? We are so easily tempted by the devil, so easily manipulated and so easily distracted.

Don't lose sight of what God has done, don't forget about His grace and His perfect plan. And hold on to that when you are in the midst of something that has no answer...because He is the only answer. He is all we need.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A boy and his wagon.........

Monday, February 1, 2010

Picking up the pieces....

I never intended to write any of this on here. In fact, I was purposefully never going to mention "it" directly. I felt it was too private a matter (and it is private). I also felt that I was protecting myself from not letting too many people know how I was really feeling. So, I was content to blog about silly things like books I was reading and fun pictures of my son. Then I started roaming around in bloggerville and found some blogs that really, really stood out to me. One of those blogs is that of Angie Smith, her husband is the lead singer for Selah. I'm going to let you check out her blog so she can tell her story, but this is what has prompted me to post this.
These past 6 weeks I have felt pain and anger and grief like I never thought I would. If you have not lost a baby before it was born, there is no possible way to understand the kind of grief that this is. It is completely different than any other kind, and cannot be explained.
I have never doubted the will of God, or been angry at Him...just angry. I finally put my maternity clothes in the back of the closet, and started running again. I think this past week I started to feel more like myself than I had since before we lost the baby. To be honest with you, I have had difficulty finding my joy. Now, don't get me wrong, Jack brings me more joy than I thought was possible...and Trevor is the joy that keeps me going. But I felt like I had joy in me at all times, even on hard days, and after losing the baby, that constant joy seemed to be missing.

I will never understand why God even allowed me to get pregnant in the first place if He was just going to take it away, I will never understand the reason behind it all. But I don't want to know, I don't NEED to know why He does what He does. I just have to trust. I have to believe that Jesus is the same now as He was then and that His will is perfect.

The odds of what happened were about 1 in 40 since we had already seen the heartbeat. Not only did we get to see the hearbeat but we did get an ultrasound picture. I am so thankful for that! My wonderful sister had made me a shadowbox that would have been for all the pictures and fun things throughout the pregnancy. We decided to still use it with some alterations. It has the picture, some verses that really spoke to Trevor and I, a necklace give to be my Trevor's mom that is a prayer box with the word PEACE on it and some dried flowers my friend Lacie brought to me. It is a reminder, because I never want to forget and it has been very healing.

The hard days still come and go, and emotions hit without warning. It's only been 6 weeks I keep reminding myself, don't rush it. Other people may have forgotten or moved on...but we haven't.

I can say that I have never had to rely on God so much as I have during this time. That because of this, I have had to learn a new kind of trust. I have learned more about Him, and more about who I am in Him.
We have so much to be thankful for, so much to praise Him for. So we carry on, still picking up the pieces along the way and handing them over to Him.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16 Angie Smith's Blog